The Chariot

Buzzfeed Helps Me Write My College Essays

Universities ask for Freudian-level psychoanalysis, and self-reflection isn’t definitely not easy, so maybe some clickbait personality quizzes can help.

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Buzzfeed Helps Me Write My College Essays

Leah Graham, Editor-in-chief

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Thinking about the future is hard, choosing schools to apply to is hard and getting accepted is hard (and it’s only gotten harder over the last decade).

As of Aug. 1, I have been blindly stumbling through the labyrinth of suffering that is the college admissions process. The essays especially. The questions are about identity, asked in five slightly different ways with phrases like “ethical dilemma,” “transition from childhood to adulthood” and “fundamental to later success.”

That involves a lot of self-reflection, which is gross and gave me a headache each time I’ve tried it. So, looking for guidance, I turned to the ultimate source of modern wisdom: Buzzfeed, and their unfailingly accurate personality quizzes.

First up- Which Taylor Swift are you? According to the all-knowing Buzzfeed staff writers, I most closely align with “Sassy Swift,” because I guess I “know life is too short to be the doormat all the time.” This seemed a little incomplete. While I do have the occasional attitude problem, I can also be a huge wuss. I needed more information.

When I chose Mulan as my favorite Disney princess, I found out that I am entitled and I “fall apart” when things don’t go my way because I feel like I “deserve better.” That one stung a little, but I’d have to learn these things about myself if I wanted to get into college. I kept digging.

Lastly, I selected my ideal brunch order to reveal a hidden truth about myself. Evidently, I am so sick of everything I will “flip some tables and leave town.” Should I suffer one more inconvenience, I would “go live on an island and make best friends with a volleyball.”

Here it was, the absolute proof that Buzzfeed truly understood me. I was, in fact, done. Done with college admissions, done with class work, done with everything. And I suspect I’m not alone in that feeling.
With my diagnosis of being fed up, I came to this conclusion: it’s too late to bail. Four years is a long time- 33 percent longer than the average prison sentences for felons, according to the Policy Almanac. So I just need to suck it up. Fake it ‘til I make it. And that’s OK, because, frankly, the kid I see in my college applications isn’t someone I know too well. She’s got all the basics of a good student, but she’s not an actual human being.

All the little things that are too tediously real to make it onto the Common App- like the fact that I ask to pet every dog I see, that my favorite food is strawberry banana smoothies, that I like being left-handed- none of those tiny pieces of a person make it in front of admissions officers. They’re looking at an application, not a person.

I’ll consider just making it through this whole process an accomplishment, because who you are and what you submit are two different things. And, if I have any more questions, there’s always Buzzfeed.

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