This is a work of satire. Names, characters, places and incidents either are products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events or locales or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

Fed up with technology rotting his students’ minds, a local high school teacher turns to an innovative solution: Amish culture.

“This is the laziest, most useless generation I’ve ever seen in my 27 years of living,” says Joseph Verhelle. 

On Oct. 3, 2024, Verhelle was navigating through an ordinary day until a student refused to give up his cellphone. The overworked teacher grabbed the phone and tossed it across the room simultaneously shattering the student’s device and the newly installed school smart board. 

“I was elated. Nothing was comparable to the high of destroying a lifetime’s worth of happiness through a seven ounce device,” said Verhelle. 

The following Friday, students were welcomed to an empty classroom. Verhelle had arrived 33 minutes late to class in frustration of being pulled over by the cops for his horse and buggy. Once the officers were informed of the teacher’s pursuit, he was let off with a warning and a generous gift of a haystack before he continued his journey to school.  

The next week, Verhelle implemented an entirely new code of conduct including the following:

1. Adhere to the following dress code:
   1. Men must wear solid colored shirts, broad-brimmed hats and uniform plain pants.
      1. Mandatory beards to maintain a manly reputation 
   2. Women must wear calf-length dresses, bonnets and aprons in muted colors. 
      1. Mandatory frown to maintain depression 
2. Advanced technology including but not limited to the following items are banned:
   1. Cell phones, laptops, IPads, smartwatches
   2. Purified water, advanced English
   3. Solitude 
   4. Sanity 
3. Failure to comply to the rules above will result in one or more of the following:
   1. A shunning for the remaining duration of the school year 
   2. Public humiliation in the form of 
      1. Shaving of the beard (stripping away masculinity)
      2. Time-out in the corner of the classroom with a dunce cap
      3. Churning butter for 72 consecutive hours and then consuming it for an additional 72 consecutive hours 
   3. Other means deemed appropriate for the circumstance 

However, Verhelle failed to consider the implications of Rule III. Weeks into the new Amish classroom and the young teacher still could not grow a beard even though his teenage male students managed to do so in a matter of days. This, in fact, had been the only violation at the time. Students found it difficult to implement a punishment since there was no masculinity beard to remove. In addition to shunning him for the following week, they forced the teacher to contemplate his sinful behaviors by confronting the devil himself: the smartboard. 

After days of staring straight into the unholy screen, Verhelle was blinded. 

Over the last month, Verhelle’s revolutionary new style of teaching has proved successful. Students have learned how to churn butter, sew their own clothes, broaden their definition of masculinity beyond facial hair and that technology is the nefarious Beelzebub. Students have become so immersed in the Amish culture that they just stopped attending the school altogether. State testing scores have never been higher. 

“I think I might try this again next year. But instead of worshiping hard work, I’ll make them worship me. And instead of collective labor to benefit the class, I’ll make them do mundane tasks that benefit me. Yeah, and instead of humiliation we’ll have sacrifices for punishments. Screw the damn phones, who needs technology when we can have cults instead? I like this trying new cultures thing.”