This is a work of fiction. All resemblances to any living person, place, or thing are entirely coincidental. And does not necessarily reflect the opinion of the publisher.
Last week, the Phoque Unified School District’s Board of Education announced a bold proposal to ban the Merriam-Webster Dictionary.
“It’s the work of the devil,” claims Richard “Dick” De Vil, the board’s vice president. “The black text promotes radicalized liberal propaganda by covering nearly every white page throughout the book, literally erasing white narratives.”
Like De Vil, parents have expressed concerns about the physically dark content.
“My son missed four days of school straight after his English teacher forced him to use the dictionary. He fell into a state of severe depression because he felt like his white culture was never seen on the page and instead engulfed in words in distinctive black font. He now develops a panic attack at the sight of bolded text,” says Ima McHoward, a pseudonym for a source who requested anonymity because they felt the word ‘dictionary’ was too obscene to be publicly associated with.
Beyond appearance, the district scrutinized the dictionary for what they deemed as misinformation. They addressed concerns regarding unpatriotic terms such as ‘diet’ and ‘exercise’ that chastise American culture and promote standards against the nation’s core values. At their most recent meeting, board members devised a series of “unseasonable” words, a few of which are detailed below;
- Daddy
- Moon; according to the board, “the landing wasn’t the only thing unreal.”
- Women
- Freedom; because “a ‘land of the free’ is actually the least American thing we could possibly teach our children,” comments De Vil.
- Salt
- Healthcare
- Rainbow; presumably because a mere description of the vile color combination indoctrinates kids into queerness.
English teacher Valerie Frizzle touches on the banning with a strong disdain towards the board, “When I first heard this news, I was livid. My classroom is a safe space, and if my kids find excitement in scanning over 400 pages to read the word ‘cream’ in size six font, then so be it.” Frizzle expresses that in a classroom filled with technology, dictionaries are the utmost important learning tool in her classroom because students need a place to look up dirty words.
The Phoque Unified School District’s board is also looking ahead to remove additional materials from K-12 schools, including the “Thesaurus” by Merriam Webster and all computer keyboards for suggestive symbols like the asterisk. They are also moving forward to ban the letter ‘O’ in all classrooms due to its “pornographic connotations.” Kindergarten teachers will be required to omit the letter in teaching the alphabet to coming generations.
“We’re paving a clean path forward for our kids by removing this elicit content,” says De Vil.
“Keep our schools clean”, reads De Vil’s new campaign poster, next to a graphic raising a middle finger to the Merriam-Webster Dictionary.
