The Backseat Lovers are a band that recently released a song called “Close Your Eyes.” It starts with a fun muted guitar riff that reminds me of nothing I’ve ever heard before. This isn’t because it’s unique, but rather because I only listen to two music genres. Once the drums and bass come in, everything becomes more like any other soft rock song I’ve heard before. It’s like “Island in the Sun” by Weezer if it was made by sad teenage boys and not Rivers Cuomo scrambling to make another hit. Joshua Harmon’s voice is great, and the reason I know it works is because of my friend Anjali. Anjali loves Harmon’s voice. By the way Josh, if you’re reading this, please give your number to her.

7.5/10

Kim Petras and Sam Smith are pop artists that exist for one purpose: to make a hit song. They’ve now collaborated to make two minutes and thirty-seven seconds of pure, concentrated torture. The lyrics attempt to be provocative, however they’re so obvious that it becomes physically painful to listen to. This is in addition to some of the worst vocals I’ve ever heard, random percussive noises and by far the worst sub-bass in pop music. This is part of an issue I have with modern pop music. This could be 15 seconds long, as it was made for TikTok popularity. This doesn’t always happen on purpose, but a lot of pop music I hear is guilty of this. This song is a piece of art so atrocious that I wouldn’t make my worst enemy hear it. Listen at your own risk.

0/10

Hozier is an Irish singer-songwriter, and his song “Swan Upon Leda” is exactly what I’d expect from the man who wrote “Take Me to Church.” The classical guitar riff serves as a good base for the serious tone it’s trying to set up. Hozier’s accent is unique to his sound, but it’s like he’s straight out of Brave (but Irish). This takes the serious tone he tried to create and throws it into the gutter. The chorus hits you out of nowhere, and the string section combined with random synth noises makes me think Hozier just started pressing buttons on his music software. There isn’t any bass, and that makes sense because the song lacks power. “Swan Upon Leda” is fine, listen if you want.

4/10

“Lux Æterna” is a new single Metallica released for their new album 72 Seasons. I’d like to start this review off by saying I’m proud of Lars Ulrich for using his double kick pedals. Round of applause for him. When I first heard James Hetfield start singing, I thought it was Dave Mustaine. The new direction he’s taking his voice in is odd considering that he’s been in a rivalry with Mustaine since he kicked him out of Metallica and beat him up so bad he decided to make a better band. Kirk Hammet is continuing his tradition of using his wah pedal (if you don’t know what that is, imagine a wailing guitar noise) and whammy bar like volume control for his solos. It’s what I’ve come to expect from Hammet as he’s gotten older. He’s replaced complexity and new ideas with two pieces of gear. And Rob Trujillo’s bass needs to be turned up. You’re better than this, Rob. It’s not always about Kirk’s wah pedals. Despite some of my issues with this song, it’s not bad. It’s no “Hangar 18,” but I really enjoyed it.

8/10

“The Giver” by Sarah Kinsley opens up with a few things I didn’t like. First, the same guitar chord plays for the entire time, and the only other instrumental part is an electric guitar “solo” that puts me to sleep. The singing drags everything down even further, along with lyrics that try so hard to capture emotional depth but instead feel like they’re jumping into the shallow end of a pool. In fact, halfway through listening to this song I turned on Bladee. It was so hard to listen to, that to erase it from my memory, I turned on the worst abomination to music I could think of. After turning the song on, I genuinely could not remember how it went. “The Giver” was not enjoyable for me, and for the duration of it I was bored.

3.5/10

Lift Me Up is a song Rihanna made for Black Panther: Wakanda Forever. It is so vile and boring that I have nothing to say about it. Sorry! 

2/10