The following article is a work of satire.
Audrey Lerner, a junior at Troy High School, has achieved a historic milestone on the past December administration of the SAT exam. She earned a 1600.1, surpassing the long-standing ceiling of academic excellence and setting a new standard. This achievement puts her in an extremely small pool of students nationwide and makes her a very capable candidate for upcoming college applications.
When asked about her preparation for the test, Lerner admits, “I mean the day before I just napped for a few hours and went out with a few friends for Chipotle.” Lerner reveals that her approach to studying for exams is surprisingly minimal. “It all comes pretty easily to me; it’s just what I was born with.”
Lerner clarifies that this effortlessness isn’t out of the ordinary for her. “I’ve never really had to study for anything in my life, the SAT isn’t much different.” She says, adding she is most proud of not having to spend “laborious hours” scrolling on “SAT Hacks” Instagram reels, “I mean I save them sometimes,” Lerner admits, “but I never really felt like doing all the work of revisiting and watching all of them.”
Even with her grand score, Lerner exposes her concerns with her test when discussing college applications. “I did really bad,” she explains, “I knew I missed the chance to get a 1600.2 the second I woke up from my second nap in the middle of the second math module.” Lerner explains that as a result of her score, her plans moving forward have only been complicated. “I’m probably just gonna go to Cornell for Tuscaloosan Cuisine Studies anyway.” She says, noting that, “Harvard won’t even take me at this rate.”
Lerner’s frontier breaking delivery has disgruntled many sub-1550 students at Troy High School. Charlotte Winslow, a junior who described her SAT performance as “underachieving in comparison” comments, “I mean, I’m happy for her of course. Love her.” She pauses before adding, “It’s just a little confusing, not even confusing I mean, I studied a lot.” Winslow describes how Lerner’s achievement has spread through to her own home. “My parents are pretty supportive, yeah, her picture’s on the fridge now. Replaced my kindergarten drawings.”
In great adoration of Lerner, Winslow expands, “Yeah she does it all. Grades, scores, extracurriculars, even a social life. She’s got a boyfriend, a girlfriend, a situationship, and a new car. Good for her,” she says while digging her fingernails into her palm. Winslow, when asked about her own score, had initially chosen not to share. After minutes of reluctance, Winslow revealed that her own SAT score was “a 1600.”
For this upcoming spring, Lerner intends to retake the test to try and combine to a greater superscore.
