Growing up the youngest in a big family meant that it was always loud. Very loud. I don’t remember much from when I was a kid, but I do remember preferring to listen to my family talk instead of chiming in myself. I would listen to them playfully argue at Christmas and we’d spend hours playing board games because we wouldn’t stop talking.

There weren’t many participation grades when I attended middle school; my main problem was presentations. I would get so nervous that I would have to mumble and stutter my way through it. Something about standing in front of the entire class, everyone’s eyes on me and being graded on how well I did scared me, and I ended up getting worse grades not for the content I presented, but for my poise.

As an introvert, when I was first introduced to seminars and simulations in high school, all I could feel was panic. It was impossible for me to turn to someone and ask to be their partner in a simulation we were doing. In a seminar, about half the class would sit in a circle and talk about a topic the teacher gave us pertaining to a book or movie we had just finished, and we would be graded on how much we said and what we said. In these seminars, I found it hard to get a word in. When my teachers would ask the class how they felt about the passage we just read, my head would be full of words but I wasn’t able to raise my hand and voice them. I was stuck for a long time and my grades suffered for it. I thought that it was unfair that so much of my grades depended on talking in front of the class. It was easier for me to voice my opinion in a worksheet or an essay, but it was obvious that this was the way things were going to go, and I just had to accept that. There wasn’t any other option for me; it was either change or let my grades suffer.

Change isn’t an easy thing. Not for me, and I don’t think for anyone. I forced myself to join things that I normally wouldn’t be comfortable doing. I joined newspaper, tech crew for theatre and became a volunteer for Mrs. Isaac in the library doing circulation. I put myself in situations where it was a necessity to speak up. For a while, my heart would pound when I had to interview someone or when someone came up to check out a book at the library. I would still hesitate before raising my hand to voice my opinion in class, but it eventually became easier.

It happened so slowly I didn’t even notice it. I could stand up in front of a class by myself and my voice wouldn’t quiver. I wasn’t afraid when a teacher called my name in class. When someone would come up and check out a book, I would talk to them about it if it was a series that I liked. Being in a seminar was suddenly fun and something that I looked forward to.
I still have introverted qualities: I still like to stay silent and listen when there is a huge conversation going on, and I prefer to stay home than hang out every day after school with my friends. Now it is possible to speak up in a class and it is something I want to do, and my grades have gotten better. That’s all that matters, right?

For some people, participating in a seminar isn’t that big of a deal, but I had to change and put myself through many anxiety-raising situations. I look back at myself freshman year and I’m proud of who I am today, but I hate that had to change just to do better academically. I used to not get why simulations and seminars were such a big deal and why they were done so much. Yet, as time went on and I got through my anxiety, I realized how fun they were. Simulations I did in Mr. Dan Mastrovito’s classes are now some of my favorite memories. Talking about a book I really enjoy in a seminar or a class discussion is now something I look forward to in Mrs. Laura Liamini’s class. I get why we’re graded on these situations and why we do them in classes. I think teachers genuinely love to hear our responses and want to teach us something in a different style than just a lecture. I now know that teachers aren’t doing it just to be harsh, but that they are doing it to better our learning experiences. Isn’t that what we want from every teacher?