ONE MORE TIME by Blink-182
Vile despicable noise. Sound that makes you want to crawl into a hole to be euthanized. Blink-182, keep it in the decade you did it in. Your singer sounds like somebody mocked a Green Day song and took it too far. The tone of the bass and guitar is equally bland and resembles the music of a middle school rock band. No, that isn’t true, and it is an insult to the multitudes of middle schoolers who try hard to make good bands. Blink-182. Possibly the worst band of the century, of the past 1000 years or of all time. 0/5, you fraudulent musicians.
Stargirl Interlude by Lana Del Rey and The Weeknd
Like you said in this song, I also had a vision, Lana. It was that for once you made decent music, and pretended to be a decent person, at least. Your singing is poorly strung together, and it makes me anxious for what comes next. The random hits from the ambient drums or poorly executed funk guitar is awful. The Weeknd comes in with vocals just as bad, with the same drums, just as bad, and the same vibe, just as bad. This is anxiety, anticipating for the next victim of this song’s randomness. 2/5.
Victim Mentality by Ethereal Tomb
Wow. I’ve really admired the music of Ethereal Tomb for a long time but this album and song really showed how talented this band is. From the evil fried vocals to fuzzed out bass and guitar with groovy drums underneath to serve the song’s purpose, this music hits hard. There are many similarities to other metal bands, but especially Black Sabbath and Death. The distortion of the guitars hurt your ears when they turn on and it should. The lyrics about native oppression make you uncomfortable and they should. The music is disgustingly beautiful and it must be. The intervals between notes can make the hairs on your arm stand upright upon their announcement, and that’s just how they wanted it. Within the lyrics of Ethereal Tomb’s music there lies more discomfort. In the song “Victim Mentality,” white fragility is a concept that is explored. When asked about what white fragility looks like, Alexander Senum, frontman and guitarist of Ethereal Tomb said that “an example that comes to mind is someone confronting and accusing me that my music is racist against and based on hatred of white people.”
When asked to comment on this issue, Aidan Weatherall, Ethereal Tomb bassist, said that this music can make white people feel discriminated against, “Including my father who my relationship has suffered with while playing in Ethereal Tomb. He hates what I do.” These quotes only prove Senum’s point about white fragility. “White people dismissing BIPOC [black, indigenous and other people of color] issues/trauma without even trying to understand the root of these issues, let alone realizing how they continue to perpetuate them or empathize is something I experience relatively often.” The genius in this band’s music and the thought which Senum expresses through these songs to an audience of all races is simply brilliant. Listening closely to this music reminds us that, like Senum said, “true power is that of consciousness.” Ethereal Tomb is a wake up call. 5/5.
Paint the Town Red by Doja Cat
Lame. Boring. Mediocre. Unimpressive. Useless. All words I could use to describe Doja Cat’s music. This song shows the culmination of fifteen years of bad corporate pop music. It all went downhill after ‘What Makes You Beautiful’ peaked and everybody tried to copy One Direction. This is the female singer version of a single singer One Direction copycat artist. The instrumental is awful. It’s a midi saxophone, bass and a spacey synth sound, all combining to have the atmosphere I’d imagine from the birthday party of a third grade girl’s birthday party. Please quit music, Doja Cat, or make better music. 1/5, because Blink-182 is worse.
“Slut!” by Taylor Swift
Alright Swifties, I am decently impressed. When it comes to melancholic pop music, this is good. I really like the instrumental in this song, from the deep bass that booms at the perfect time to the synth melody that shines above Taylor Swift’s voice. It’s almost like a 1990s EDM song’s track was revived to fit into the music style Swift has curated. That style has been perfect for teenagers since the early 2010s to listen to. While I wouldn’t seek out music clearly made for the average teenage girl or young adult, this track has my respect. My only complaint is that it’s corny, but the cornball aspect ties together the EDM backing track and the pop vocals and lyrics. 4/5.
Broken Cash Machine by Modern Baseball
The corniest, most genuine, worst and most cringeworthy song ever made, and also one of my favorites. The song opens with the simplest of acoustic guitar chords and the most teenagery teenager in teenage history starts singing. The song stops. The poorly mixed electric guitar takes over the stage and a riff reminiscent of Weezer starts repeating. The lyrics mean so much because they mean nothing at all. It’s just a 15-year-old boy detailing events in chronological order. “Wishing you were still my girlfriend.” Of course he was. The feeling of post breakup anxiety is explored so well in this song. Modern Baseball, you never fail to disappoint. 4.5/5
Now and Then by The Beatles
This melancholy tune, the final one from The Beatles, is a great way to end their legacy. An artificial intelligence generated John Lennon sings of contrasting now and then. And of course this is ruined by Ringo Starr, who plays the grooviest beat he could think of under the song. I shouldn’t be this sad and also feel the urge to tap my foot at the same time. But that is the genius of The Beatles. They’re probably the first band with this level of popularity to convey this many complex emotions with such upbeat emotions. And sure, it’s been done before, but with what Beatlemania to accompany it? This song marks the end of the first true phenomenon of pop music. I am not a Beatles fan, I actually don’t listen to their music, but you can hear how they influenced everybody. The bends of the guitar solos and the inclusion of foreign instruments that skyrocketed their popularity are examples of tiny things they pioneered that became increasingly popular with pop musicians of the time. The idea to create this song from Paul McCartney and Ringo Starr is remarkable. Just for that, and for the theme the song had, this is a 5/5.
