Can’t Catch Me Now by Olivia Rodrigo
This song is amazingly corny. I cannot fathom how this singing style didn’t die out in 2015. The emotion it lacks is bewildering. The strings buried underneath the acoustic guitar makes me think that they were trying to hide them. I’d believe that with how boring they sound. The chorus is almost as corporate as a Target ad during the Super Bowl. “Ooooh ooh ooh ooh ooh,” I wish you’d shut up, Olivia Rodrigo. I may not be able to catch up with you, but I can catch up with your talent, as it’s so nonexistent. ⅕.
IDGAF by Drake and Yeat
The opening is as slimy and funky as possible. It’s disgusting in a way that makes you cringe with amazement. It’s like hearing bebop jazz in a portal to another universe. Then, the intro ends. That funkiness lives on in the beat, but the rapping in the lyrics makes it feel less ethereal. This beat is too good to be singing about money and carelessness. Sing about something that matters, please. However, with a beat that good, it’s still easy to listen to. ⅘.
MY HOUSE by Beyoncé
Yeah, this is Beyoncé. It’s iconic, it’s vibrant and it’s harsh. Bragging about money well-earned to a beat that matches the theme is something I like to see. Then, Beyoncé starts to sing instead of rap over the backing vocals that stay a constant in the shakiness of the song. The beat quickly changes to a bass heavy groove where Beyoncé proclaims, “get the f— up out my house.” That was good advice, because the song starts to be bad right there, repeating the same beat over and over again. Then, it finally ends. Nice house, Beyoncé. ⅗.
Gucci Flip Flops by Bhad Bhabie and Lil Yachty
Why? Why, God, why? This is the worst song I’ve ever heard. The instrumental is boring. The lyrics sound like they were recorded in a vegetative state. It sounds like Bhad Bhabie forgot the other lyrics to the sound because there’s only about 9 different lines that are switched between each track. I wasted two minutes listening to that, and it’s the worst song I’ve ever heard. 0/5.
Still Ill by The Smiths
Morrissey, this is why people ignore your controversy so often. Your music is perfect. The drums and bass mash together beautifully and create the funky base for the guitar to glisten below your perfectly performed vocals painting pretty pictures of poignant emotional scenes. In the outro of the song, the guitar and drums groove together before it all culminates in the final boom, with all the instruments synchronizing. 5/5.
Swing, Swing by The All-American Rejects
I want to preface this by saying I love emo music, especially from this era. But Jesus Christ, this is the most cringy song I’ve ever heard. I want to swing, swing, swing my head into a wall. I am disgusted that the uninspiring synth copied from Weezer and the three power chords played in this song are lame, too. There’s actually nothing they could’ve done to take a song idea like this and made it good. There was a good moment of harmonization in the guitar solo, but then I got mad because I realized there were two guitars and they still chose to keep the chords that boring! They could’ve played two different chords at once to make things more interesting, or something! ⅕.
Dumb by Nirvana
This is groovy. The synth and melody kind of sound like Mongolian traditional music. The bass tone is bad and unbalanced, but it gives the song the feeling of chaos I would’ve asked it to when I heard Nirvana made it. The song is trippy, and the trip gets more exaggerated after with the dissonant vocal melody Kurt Cobain does so well. 5/5.
Not My Fault by Reneé Rapp and Megan Thee Stallion
This is very corporate. I sort of like everything, but love none of it. It seems like it was all made to appeal to the widest audience possible. The bass tone is good, the drums sound good but nothing moves me. I feel nothing. This song is the embodiment of “meh.” Megan Thee Stallion is obviously a great rapper and the line “I’ve been told I’m the black Regina George” stuck out to me. Corporate mediocrity gets ⅖ from me.
Beautiful Things by Benson Boone
This song is very generic, and this kind of emotional pop music was perfected in 2012 when Train came out with “California 37.” Boone’s music is very reminiscent of this era of pop that all sounded good in some way. Boone has a very unique sense of how tension should be felt, and the way the music builds up to the chorus is beautifully executed and makes me feel like a man fresh out of college whose girlfriend just broke up with him as soon as that tension bursts. In addition to this, Boone’s guitar player deserves the kind of accolades a president gets after winning a war. The delicate tone that switches from being an overdriven lead that makes you yearn for the next section to just being a cog in the rhythm section is Einstein-level genius. When it comes to well-produced melancholic pop music, this is the best it gets. 5/5.
